RELATIONSHIP: November 2006

Saturday, November 11, 2006

The Battle of the Sexes! – By Joseph Ghabi

by: Joseph Ghabi

During my personal experiences with some of my relationships, I realised an important factor that a couple in any relationship might experience. The same issue reached my conclusion whilst talking with the people I’ve dealt with during in some of my private consultations. What am I talking about? I guess it is about time to state my intention!

We sometimes move from relationship one to another, asking ourselves why we keep attracting experiences with similar characteristics to those we have experienced previously. A male projects his masculine vibration and brings qualities of independence, self-confidence, assurance, security, Ego and pride (negative side and not the best quality!), into the relationship. A female projects a warmer side to that of the male bringing intuition, love, firstly, towards herself before sharing that with her partner, sensation, and her sexuality.

Always we find a lack of self-confidence and trust existing in many women (a negative side that should be worked upon).

Those are typical characteristics that both sexes should portray to an extent in their relationship identifying their individual sexuality. And always keep in mind, no-one is perfect!

In order for a male to grow in a more desirable way being balance and in harmony, he should open up his female side, though in such a way as not to allow it to take place of his role in being a man, but in order to open up his intuition and encourage the balance between his male and female vibrations.

A female, on the contrary, should open up her male side in order to build up her self-confidence and trust in herself. Thus, bringing her the quality of leadership and balancing both sides of her vibration.

In today’s world, a woman’s place is shifting from that of being a housewife into being at the top in the corporate world. That is a positive change and it is about time too! However, not at the expense of allowing her male vibration to take place over her female vibration. Think about it!

During the 1900’s we had a hundred years governed by a male vibration where men were in control ({19} 00 = 19 = 10 = 1). Since the year 2000 the vibration is changing into that of a female vibration which will be in effect for the next hundred years ({20} 00 = 20 = 2).

The 1 is a male vibration and 2 is a female vibration. A change of attitude in the way we consider a woman being in top job positions did start to take place over approximately twenty years ago. This begun when the energies started to shift. The new century brought preparation for the new female vibration. So my point is that women should not be or acting as if they are male in order to prove a point. It is far more appropriate for women to simply be themselves and they will be fine with that whilst the universal energies are in their favour.

Another contributing factor which many women are likely to have encountered upon in their lives is where negative experiences or relationships as an adult or a young woman in her past encourage them develop a strong male vibration into their energy. The woman may not even be aware of this fact, but it is a natural instinct in order to help her survive the difficult experiences in her life. Bringing this male as a means of survival is acceptable, however, it is critical that women learn where to draw the limit and realise the consequences of having too much male energy is likely to bring.

In both cases, it is not helpful for either sex to have a male vibration to over power the female side when you are supposed to be a woman. As is the case for any male, it is not appropriate to have the female vibration overpowering his masculine side. The most important key to learn and understand is balance!

Now let’s imagine ourselves in a situation where even if the man in your relationship is not sensitive towards detecting energies around him, but un-consciously he will be able to detect that male vibration in his partner. That in any case will bring a power struggle on its own behalf. In homosexual relationships, it is common to see one of the partners playing role of the male or the female. That is, by all means okay.

However, when we are in a heterosexual relationship and being well defined opposites then it is likely to become an indirect problem that many of us who are involved in a relationship are not able to detect any imbalance of energies between the male and the female. Thus, allowing it to grow until it can eventually hurt the relationship. As I did mention previously, the importance lies in maintaining a balance.

I would like to mention the importance for a woman to really build her male side in order to build her self confidence, self trust and the gutsy feeling that will enable her to bring the drive she needs to move and do what she wants to do in this lifetime. Though, not as a means of becoming an equally assertive male in the relationship! I do not believe for a moment that women are born in this lifetime in order to have babies and sit at home as housewives! Though some women do accept this and enjoy this lifestyle, they do have responsibility in bringing handling the necessary experiences in order to promote their growth at a soul level. The amount of growth a soul will achieve can also be determined under what society, culture and religion the woman is born into.

In reality in many relationships today, many men are abusing their power by taping into their partner weaknesses where there is a lack of self-confidence and trust in the woman to achieve what they want in their own reality. This case stands true for many females who might also be abusing the male in the relationship and this cannot be disregarded in any case.

Relationships with characteristics such as these will drive the relationship into a dead end zone where that relationship is, of course, doomed to fail. The reason being, the time will come to say enough is enough when nothing is moving or changing in that relationship. Being in love with someone is one thing but becoming a doormat is something else. I believe many of you will be able to identify with what I am taking about.

Now let’s be honest and see if we can identify if your male or female side is strong in you. Please remember, this does not imply that every woman and man will have this problem. If you are still reading this far in the article you might ask yourself the question how do we go about identifying if this is a problem for us? The most difficult part is admitting and accepting the foundation of the problem, but after this how do we handle it?

First let’s start in identifying the problem. In some women, it is obvious through her walk, her way of talking, her attitude and ego. Sometimes these traits are not so obvious and in this case she needs to go deeper, looking into her attitude in certain cases, her sexual preferences (are they male preferences?), and her ways in handling her day to day activities in general. Please do not depend on your boyfriend or husband to identify the problem. They might not be aware of it but in any case it does not hurt to get their honest opinion. Only balanced men with female energy can easily identify the problem. It can be really obvious for them to detect sometimes.

If we discover that we have this problem, one of the most important factors is in acceptance of it and not to allow your ego and sense of pride to drive you into ignoring the reality of the situation. We are talking here in terms of a male ego and pride and it might be tough to let go of. You must identify the reason of why you are doing this exercise in the first place.

One important factor is that you are doing it purely for yourself. No blame should be directed in any way or form towards anyone who is involved, including yourself! Rather, you should spend your time and energy in trying to trace back to where the problem originated.

This exercise should not take forever to implement. It is not a life process to deal with our problems or issues as long as we have a true will to do so. Understanding a problem or a situation is basically one way of looking to our problems. So in your own time and regardless of your age, just go back in time and recall certain experiences where you had an involvement with a male figure. This can be your father, an uncle, a cousin, a boyfriend, or a husband. In some cases these situations it can trace as far back to an age as young as five years old.

Write down in your diary the whole event in order for you to empty it from your sub-conscious and then go further in time to any relationship where you were involved with the opposite sex. Try to figure out what went wrong in the situation.

Eventually you should be able to determine the common dominator in all of the different experiences and any pattern that is evidently repeating itself in the same time. When you do identify the problem the next step is now to deprogrammed all things that you have build up in your mind about how things should be. For example, your reactions to specific situations, people and your emotions and feelings in accordance to these reactions. All of the points that I have explained can come as a result from the problem situation in the first place. It is also very important to forgive yourself and the person involved in the situation. Take a look back at what you wrote six months later and you will see the difference in yourself after your effort toward bringing the changes you made during that time.

It might seem too simple to you. Well, it is, but it does work.

I would like to say also that I have NO problems with homosexual relationships as I do respect them as a matter of personal choice, preference and free will. My article brings discussion of the issues stated from a heterosexual male’s point of view, of whom, is in relationship with a woman.

In the end, do we realize that a man is only required to enhance his female by bringing the female intuition into his side? For a woman she needs to bring a male vibration into her environment which will bring her self-confidence and trust in herself. It is all about balance and has nothing else to it, so, let’s not complicate matters here, it really is pretty simple!

I would like to add at this point that this article is directed mainly toward women who are experiencing predominantly male characteristics as oppose to a male being over feminine. I believe I have no place to be discussing the latter as being a male myself! I can not experience the other end of the equation in sensing a male with a strong female. That issue will be for a woman to discuss in terms of a heterosexual relationship experience.

Copyright © Joseph Ghabi
http://www.freespiritcentre.info

About the Author:

Joseph Ghabi is an author, lecturer, and healer. Joseph provides Intuitive Numerology Consultation, Healing Childhood Experiences Consultation and PhD Candidate living in Montreal Canada.
At the age of eight Joseph discovered his clairvoyance. Joseph is natural medium. Joseph started the ‘Free Spirit Centre’ website at http://www.freespiritcentre.info. A community centre devoted to personal growth, self help, soul growth, eating disorders, relationships, healing and human issues. You can find over 750 articles on the site.

What Flowers for Your Girlfriend this Christmas?

by: Natalie Aranda

A girl loves flowers regardless of how many times she has received them. Flowers show how fresh and precious your love is. Flowers remind her how beautiful and elegant she is. Love shines and flourishes like flowers throughout the year when you give flowers to your girlfriend on different occasions with meanings and thoughts.

Honeysuckle is a good birthday gift to symbolizes happiness. Red roses are the best flowers for Valentine's Day. The relationship you have with your girlfriend may affect the color of roses you buy. Carnations in red show passion and pink tells your girlfriend that she is always on your mind. Gerber daisies and wildflowers are both great selections for a new relationship because they are beautiful and bright. Red roses are usually reserved for longer relationships where the couple is passionately in love. Pink roses are appropriate for a newer relationship. Any other color of rose is appropriate as well, especially if your girlfriend is passionate about a certain color.

Christmas is always a hectic time and finding the perfect Christmas gifts for your girlfriend can seem overwhelming in a sea of shopping malls. However, a thoughtful gift that will be appreciated is flowers. The best flowers to give at Christmas time are orchids, holly, poinsettias, and the Christmas cactus as well as any red flower. The orchid signifies thoughtfulness and charm. Holly and the Poinsettia are two Christmas related flowers that are always used for decorating and as a result are readily available and a great gift for your girlfriend. A Christmas cactus is also a good idea and is a flowering cactus that generally blooms around Christmas time, although it can bloom at any time of year.

Christmas brings happiness and joy to every family. For moms and dads, it's the Christmas trees that call their children back to home. For kids, it's the Christmas wreaths that hang on their doors to tell the worlds that they are growing bigger. For lovers, it's always Christmas flowers and Christmas flower arrangements to show the freshness, beauty and elegance of their feelings.

How To Stop The Fighting In Your Relationship

by: Dr Brenda Shoshanna

Copyright 2005 Brenda Shoshanna

For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never ends. Others try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.

What People Get Out of Fighting

It is important to understand why couples keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things aren’t really over, and sparks still fly between them. Fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal. Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the other. This makes them feel strong.

Fighting can easily become a habit, something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively. Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication. Rather than addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.

"Without a good fight, a relationship is over,” says Mary, a twenty six year old administrative assistant. “The lights have gone off between us. It’s a sign my partner no longer cares.” Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy relationship feels that eventually she’ll marry a man with whom she can fight - and survive the storms. “ I respect a guy who I can fight with, who can take me as I am.” For Mary being angry, fighting and winning has became her identity. Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all concerned. Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication and intimacy they desire. “I’m not letting her walk all over me,” Roger would balk whenever his ex wife expressed her needs to him now, or brought up any issue. Rather than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as criticism. “She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate,” he would declare. The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle. From Roger’s point of view, his very manhood was at stake. However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through. Roger could not pause and realize that his partner’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling badly about himself. However, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. “As you sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we alll experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power, but can become an addiction, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from going forward. There are definite steps we can take to undo anger. Here are a few one can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple, but powerful. Why not try them today and see.

Putting An End To The War

1)Stop Blaming – While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.

2)Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights Unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask, do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?

3) Choose To Be Happy Rather Than Right - This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible..

4)Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth The best defense against anger is feeling good about yourself. Build a sense of self worth. Treat yourself beautifully and treat your partner beautifully as well. Let go of all that opposes this.

As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives.

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Melt away toxic feelings with Dr Shoshanna’s new book, The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living.) Psychologist, speaker and relationship expert, Dr Shoshanna has provided the only diet you’ll need – from anger. This diet shows us how to give up one form of anger a day and replace it with a healthy, constructive antidote. Discover how anger camouflages itself, pinpoint the 24 forms of anger, learn what to do when you’re the subject of anger and much more. Dr. Shohsanna is author of many books, including Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love (Simon and Schuster), Save Your Relationship (21 Laws of Successful Relationships), Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life)
Contact Dr Shoshanna at http://www.brendashoshanna.com , or mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com

How to Stop Divorce - Make Everything about Both of You

by: Alex Fir

Whether you consider yourself together or ‘two’- gether, you will both find a wonderfully comforting yet exciting familiarity with each other. Familiarity never truly spawns into contempt, as the saying goes. Relationships that exist without creativity and satisfaction are the kinds that spawn contempt. Doing things together with your spouse doesn’t mean that you become dependent on each other.

Dependence is absolutely the worst thing for your relationship and will ultimately lead to an unhealthy co-dependency. Complete independence is not altogether good for a marriage either. If you are so focused on your own independence, you can never be a true couple. Interdependence is what almost all successful couples have been able to achieve and maintain. Interdependence is simply a reciprocal relation between interdependent individuals. It is possible to achieve such a balance in a relationship and it is the best way to have a respectful and successful partnership with your spouse.

Start to think about everything you do as an activity or opportunity for the both of you. If you have to go out of town on a business trip, take your spouse with you. While you’re away or even while you’re at home together, take turns reading the newspaper aloud in bed. Make sure you read the funnies to each other and you must use appropriate voices for different characters!

Take entire days together to go out and explore new things. Buy a book that lists all of the attractions in yours and surrounding areas. Visit each place that neither one of you has been to before. Go on treasure hunts to places like flea markets, auctions, antique shops, second-hand stores, garage sales, craft sales and church rummage sales. These are great places to pick up gifts for your spouse that you save for a later date.

While most people know about ‘his and hers’ items like bathrobes and towels, there are a number of other items that can be enjoyed together as ‘couples’ items. Try getting matching motorcycles along with matching T-shirts. Have matching his and hers overnight bags, coffee mugs, bicycles, cell phones, cars, holiday ornaments, tennis rackets, rocking chairs and even matching carved pumpkins on Halloween.

Go shopping together and work on finding something for him and something for her. Go to a bookstore and select a book that you know your spouse will like and have him or her do the same for you. Go to a music store and select a CD you know that your spouse will like and again, have him or her do the same for you. Find other ways to apply this same concept to other specialty stores.

At the beginning of each month, sit down together as a couple and review your calendars. Make all of your plans that you will do together before working in all of your other appointments and commitments into your schedule. Your relationship commitments should always come first and be your top priority. Couples who keep their relationship first in their lives have the most enviable relationships.

If a marriage cannot be saved, it’s time to consider a divorce. Visit Divorce Help Center for more divorce information. You will also learn about do it yourself divorce.

The Sex Trap, Balancing Hormones and the Head

by: David Steele

As I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."

The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.

Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:

A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)

B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.

So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.

No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.

These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.

But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They most likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.

Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.

"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be good?"

Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing."

I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.

Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.

To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!

52 Free Things to Do with Your Partner on Date Night

by: Kim Olver

One of the things that works to keep relationships alive is spending quality time with each other. In this day of the information age, it is becoming increasingly difficult to carve out the necessary time to nurture our relationships. What with long work hours, helping kids with their homework, transporting them around to their extracurricular activities, getting dinner, cleaning up and going through the bedtime routine, what time is left?

Unless you orchestrate the time for your relationship, other less important things will crowd in and take what precious little time you do have. Pick a night that will be “date night” with your partner and make a game out of being as creative as you can be. Try to see how many things you can do without spending money.

To get you started, I’ve come up with some suggestions to help you for the next year. What follows are 52 ideas for how to spend creative time together without spending money. Feel free to add or modify any of the items on the list to suit your particular relationship and circumstances.

WINTER

1. Take a drive to look at the Christmas decorations.
2. Play cards---perhaps strip poker.
3. Watch a movie together.
4. Go outside and have a snowball fight.
5. Get some finger paints and create your own body art with each other as your canvass.
6. Go sleigh riding.
7. Go ice skating.
8. Work out or exercise together.
9. Stage your own improvisation show.
10. Sing to each other.
11. Review or create a photo album or scrapbook of your memories together.
12. Play a board game---perhaps chess, Scrabble or Twister.
13. Go to a book store, get coffee and read for hours.

SPRING

14. Work on a remodeling project together.
15. Plan and complete a yard work project together.
16. Do the spring cleaning together---room by room. When done, reward yourself by making love in the room you’ve cleaned.
17. Put on old clothes and mud wrestle after some drenching rain.
18. Give each other a massage.
19. Play catch---football, baseball, softball or Frisbee.
20. Go to a car dealer and test drive the car of your dreams.
21. Shoot basketball together.
22. Dance together.
23. Take a shower together and wash each other---everywhere.
24. Take a free adult education class together.
25. Go to a mall and have a contest to see which one of you can get the most free samples.
26. Go rollerblading or bike riding.

SUMMER

27. Build a campfire and roast marshmallows.
28. Go swimming or skinny dipping.
29. Give each other a manicure or pedicure.
30. Go somewhere crowded to people watch.
31. Go to a free outdoor event, perhaps a concert.
32. Lie on a blanket outside and watch the clouds or stars.
33. Go on a picnic.
34. Watch a fireworks display.
35. Be creative and engage in sexual role plays. Be anyone you’d like to be for the night who is also exciting for your partner.
36. Sit by the water somewhere.
37. Do a prolonged strip tease for each other.
38. Have a water balloon fight.
39. Sit outside and read poetry to each other.

FALL

40. Go for a drive together.
41. Go window shopping.
42. Incorporate food into your love making---chocolate syrup, whipped cream, fondue, strawberries---anything you and your partner enjoy.
43. Call or write to someone you haven’t had contact with in a while.
44. Cook something together.
45. Spend an evening just talking with each other. Talk about the things you have done, plans you have for the future, important people in your lives or current events.
46. Take a bubble bath together.
47. Go to a free movie or museum.
48. Take a drive and find the potential in old houses and their properties.
49. Create an imaginary story together---either orally or in written form.
50. Take turns being each other’s genie in a bottle by fulfilling your partner’s every wish and fantasy.
51. Play in the fallen leaves.
52. Create an exciting scavenger hunt that ends in your bed.

Now you have 52 suggestions for things to do with your partner for every week of the year divided by season. Certainly you don’t have to follow my suggestions. Feel free to add your own or to repeat your favorites as often as you’d like.

The main point is not to see how kinky you can get. The idea is to keep your relationship alive by making time together a priority. It is important that you find things to do as a couple that you can both enjoy. If you have vastly different interests then you can enter this with the spirit of taking turns and each agree to happily participate in the activity chosen by the one whose turn it is that week.

As long as you make a habit of making your relationship a priority and allocating time each week for rejuvenation of the feelings that attracted you in the first place, then you stand a good chance of staying together for the long haul.

Please don’t let insidious boredom enter into your relationship through the back door. This is what frequently happens when we are busy placing other things ahead of our time for each other. You know what I mean---the job, the kids, our friend in crisis, etc. There will always be a competing interest for the time you’ve set aside for each other.

Other than natural disasters, threat of death or major crises, do not allow your time together to be invaded by any outside forces. Make sure to create opportunities for you to do things together without outside influence. With more than 50% of today’s marriages ending in divorce, make this small investment in the longevity of your relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. What’s stopping you? Start today.

Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?

by: Margaret Paul

Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone
sessions: "Over and over, when I'm really attracted to a man
and I sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I
discover that he is not good husband material. What am I
doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men?"

This is a frequent question from my single women clients.

"Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way
that arouses women. These men define their worth by their
sexuality and by their ability to attract woman. They know
just how to sexually ignite a woman - it's an energy that
they are putting out that goes right into your genitals and
makes you think that something real and important is
happening. But they are operating from a sexual addiction
rather than from caring or intimacy."

"So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual
attraction?"

"You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn't
mean anything – that it's just an energy that is being
projected onto you but has nothing to do with love,
intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting
relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon
first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this
man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a
real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not
have sex early in a relationship, even if you are very
attracted."

"Well, when do you have sex?"

"When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each
other and really care about each other's wellbeing. When you
know that the feelings are not just sexual, and that the
sexuality is coming from the emotional intimacy rather than
from a sexual addiction. Why not wait until there is a
commitment to the relationship and to learning and growing
with each other? How often have you slept with a man that
you were really attracted to and then had the relationship
not work out?"

"More often than I'm willing to admit. This is what keeps
happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with
men that I'm not immediately attracted to?"

"Yes, if you like them. Often, sexual attraction grows as
you really get to know a person. Many of my clients with the
best relationships are people who were not immediately
attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in
love with each other. Others, who were attracted
immediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the
person.

"Many men can have sex and then just move on without any
inner turmoil. Yet many women feel connected to a man when
they have sex with him and then feel awful when the
relationship doesn't work out. It is unloving to yourself to
sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the
risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.

"Another factor is that sex without emotional intimacy is
often disappointing for both people. When you have sex too
early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or
physically satisfying. When sex is not an expression of
love, it often feels empty, and then the guy might decide
that you are not the right person for him because there were
no fireworks. Yet if you had waited for love to develop, it
might have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose
by waiting."

"But," replied Megan, "I always think that a man won't like
me if I don't have sex with him."

"Well, if you doesn't like you for not having sex with him,
what does this tell you about him?"

"I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material."

"Right! So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right
away."

"Okay, I see that now. I see that what I've been doing is
never going to lead to marriage. I'm going to put sex on the
back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy."

Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within a
year she was engaged to be married.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.

Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?

by: Margaret Paul

Keeping Love Alive

by: Mershon Niesner

I believe that finding, sustaining, growing, and enjoying satisfying relationships is one of greatest joys and challenges we have as human beings. We have generally been blessed with a tremendous desire to love and be loved; to listen and be listened to; to take care of and accept care from others. And yet meaningful, sustainable relationships often elude us – especially as it applies to the opposite sex.

Here are some things I’ve learned in my walk through life - as a divorced single mom, widower, and over 50 remarried - about finding and sustaining a “soul-mate” relationship:

1. Know who you are and what you want. You’ll never get what you want if you don’t know what it is. As women look for love, we often take what comes our way rather than seeking what and who we want. Knowing the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with comes from knowing who you are – your values, interests, what you can/will tolerate, what you won’t.

2. Learn how to disagree, speak your mind, and/or confront.
Avoiding conflict is death for a marriage. It may seem like you’re on the right path by never, ever arguing or disagreeing but avoiding conflict requires repression of anger, which leads to depression of feelings. Passion is extinguished in this environment. Learn to fight fair and keep the slate clear. (see article on What Are You Afraid Of?)

3. Speaking of passion – keep the fire lit! I think women often underestimate the critical role sexuality and having a really good sex life plays in a successful marriage. Men, you know what I’m talking about! Create romantic opportunities, ask for what you want, talk, talk, talk – do what you as a couple need to do to keep this aspect of your relationship alive and well.

4. Don’t allow children and child-raising to take precedence over your marital relationship. A great marriage is the best gift you can give your children. Get away from the kids on a regular basis. Find a good sitter! Arrange for an overnight with just the two of you at least once a year. Talk about matters other than the kids, the bills, the family. Someday it will just be the two of you again. Be sure you still know each other.

5. Take responsibility for your actions and affirm each other. Say, “I’m sorry” when you make a mistake or hurt your partner. Say, “Thank you” when they do something for you. Appreciate what your husband does! Don’t take “expected” action for granted. Recognition and affirmation are two of the best gifts you can give each other. Spend them freely.

6. Don’t take on the persona of, “I shouldn’t have to ask – he should know.” This is one of the greatest mistakes women make in a relationship. I hear women say things like, “But if I have to ask for it, the real meaning/pleasure/gesture is lost.” Get over it! Men can’t read our minds. They’re not always tuned in or on the same wave length. Maybe they just don’t know. Be a big girl and ask for what you want! (I’m pretty tough on this issue)

7. Get help if you need it. Don’t put your head under a bushel. If your relationship is in trouble (no matter whose “fault” either one of you thinks it is), seek out ways to make it better. Find a relationship coach, a therapist, a marriage counselor, a book – I highly recommend John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus In the Bedroom (it’s on tape so you can listen to it together), Don’t give up – keep searching and talking and striving until things get better. The answer rarely lies in changing partners.

Coaching tip
Review what you have, what you want, the hidden or apparent treasure of love. If you have a soul mate, never, never take this relationship for granted. It is rare indeed!

Power Struggle! – By Joseph Ghabi

by: Joseph Ghabi

The greatest asset we have in human existence is our soul growth, but somehow we have that confused with becoming powerful. Power does not bring growth unless we understand the essence of sharing that power.

The struggle for power is a main characteristic in basically all of our relationships. The main types of relationships I recognize and have categorized into three main groups for you are work relationships, family relationships, and emotional relationships.

The way I can understand and relate to when it comes to our relationships is as follows, a relationship is basically the cooperation between any two people, on whatever level they are working on. Very simple, yet it’s apparently very hard for most of us to deal with in our lives.

In many instances as we can see, cooperation between those people involved in the relationship tends to exist as a power struggle, in terms of who will succeed in gaining control or domination over the other person in order to meet their own needs or requirements. In such a case, the dominant one is losing his or her growth and in effect, the victim is achieving the growth of both people involved in that relationship. What do I mean by that? Think about it! We do obtain a greater amount of grow in experiencing a bad situation.

When you are the abuser, it is a likely case that in reality, you do not understand yourself what you are doing. Many of the people who have been a victim of abuse are carrying the burden of a situation or circumstance they grew up in, in terms of being abused. They might not have been granted any chance to learn how to understand, accept, and deal with this experience of being abused. In effect, they do not know any better, but at the same time they are going backward in their own life until they begin to understand the experience and their lesson fully. Unfortunately for those who are being or have been abused, this is a process of which they had to go through. In some instances it is part of Karma, but the lesson to be learnt here is how to handle the situation and get out of it without being hurt and having a deeper scar than that intended in the first place. In this case the abuser will gain much more in their understanding of the experience unless, of course, they choose not to learn their lesson. I would like to put this into perspective because in certain situations where the abuser has become accustomed to being abused and complaining about his/her situation, it is eventually taken for granted as being an easy way of bringing attention to themselves and to gain sympathy from others. However, that will eventually lead to becoming a pattern and a vicious circle. We can choose to either complain as much we like about our situation or we can do something to try to improve it. It is up to you to be the judge in your own situation. At the end of the day, we do have the power to do improve our lives and achieve our growth it is not up to anyone else to change that.

Have we ever wondered why we feel the need to control our partner? If this is the case, why are we in the relationship in the first place? Are we trying to prove something to ourselves, in order to fill the gap of something that is lacking? Perhaps we need that extra confidence that we think we are achieving when we are in control of someone else’s life, making him or her feel insecure as a result of that domination. I believe there are many possible reasons and many questions and their answers come from the need to look to our inner selves in the first place.

In many relationships of our time and from what we can see with the people in our surroundings, we become able to evaluate the way they respond to conflicts or harsher situations in their lives. The initial response and what appears to be an ‘easy escape’ is that we always tend to shift the blame to the other person involved and claim we have nothing to do with the incident in the first place. We like to proclaim that he or she was manipulating our weakness or our self-confidence and used it as a weapon against us. This may be the case, but we do have responsibility for ourselves and should NOT allow for such treatment to take place.

One thing I personally cannot understand is why we allow our emotions to overpower our rational mind when the people around us who really do care are constantly reminding us we should leave the situation that is bringing us pain and hurting, but we choose not to listen to anyone. Many people have told me “it is easier said than done!’ I don’t think so! When we are in any situation where we can see no apparent opportunity of growth in that relationship, but we choose to stay anyway even though we are being hurt in the process, well, there is no excuse! Sometimes we are afraid of leaving, this may well be the case, but we need to find out why we are afraid and what it is exactly we are afraid of. That might help!!!

It is apparent to me that on most occasions our pride and ego are taking the best out of us in terms of accepting humility, which is essential sometimes and will enable us to put our life back in order when we see the truth from a different perspective. When we are able to drop the ego and pride, we do see the situation in a whole new light. There is nothing wrong in being humiliated from time to time and when necessary because that will build up our self-confidence to move forward in life with a new understanding and awareness in light of the situation.

Another problem that I feel occurs frequently when dealing with relationships is that we always seem to have a hard time in letting go of the previous experience we passed through. The ‘letting go’ is an essential factor here and must be fulfilled in order to allow any new experience to take effect in our lives. In reality we will never go backwards in life unless we allow it to happen. The choice is in our own hand. Letting go is the most important factor of our growth and we must learn to master the art of ‘letting go’ to break ourselves free by accepting the experience as being just an experience for what it really is, and most importantly, without keeping any bitterness in our hearts which can take control in our next relationship.

The only way we can move on and allow new opportunities for growth to come into our life is by investing in our next relationship instead of withdrawing due to us being afraid of getting hurt. That thought alone will bring the experience to you because you are asking for it in the first place. Whatever we project will become our own reality. It is about time that we stop and take a moment to look to our lives from a totally different and detached perspective, especially when we see things are still happening in the same way year after year. Haven’t you asked yourself the question yet? Why am I stagnating in my life?

You hold the answers to any question you have. Isn’t it time to start looking in a different way when it comes to our relationships? If you think you are happy so far in your relationships, yet, you still find means to complain then you really are not happy. Try to introduce the word “change” as a part of your vocabulary! Trust me our only mystery in life is in learning to understand ourselves. We are tough when it comes to dealing with ourselves, but why? We try to create an image, in fact, in most cases, a fake image of how we would like people to see us for what we are on the outside but in reality we are dying from the inside. What is it that we are hoping to achieve from this? It seems the result is usually always at our own expense! Look at your life and try to bring yourself back down to earth to enable yourself to evaluate your life accordingly.

On a final note, being in relationship with no depth of communication between the two souls involved is rather like not being in a relationship at all! I would like you to take a look around one day when you are in a restaurant. Observe the people around you, particularly those who are in as a couple. Of, course they are sharing the same table, but each individual might seem to be ‘somewhere else’ in their own thoughts and with no exchange of conversation except perhaps “how is your food dear?” Is that really a true relationship? Maybe in some peoples opinion, but I do not think so. The way we have been taught and how we have become used to evaluating our relationships in many cases is wrong and is an example that seems to mislead us into following inaccurate examples.

Copyright © Joseph Ghabi
http://www.freespiritcentre.info

About the Author:

Joseph Ghabi is an author, lecturer, and healer. Joseph provides Intuitive Numerology Consultation, Healing Childhood Experiences Consultation and PhD Candidate living in Montreal Canada.
At the age of eight Joseph discovered his clairvoyance. Joseph is natural medium. Joseph started the ‘Free Spirit Centre’ website at http://www.freespiritcentre.info. A community centre devoted to personal growth, self help, soul growth, eating disorders, relationships, healing and human issues. You can find over 800 articles on the site.
Joseph task is in bringing Souls back to realization of their own personal power and into alignment with their own soul purpose and path of evolution.

Living in Fear! – By Joseph Ghabi

by: Joseph Ghabi

As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part of our life, and our own personal growth. Our growth starts basically from our relationships. Remember when we were young looking up to our parents, or to our older brothers or sisters, sometimes envying them for being older, or just trying to understand them. But the best of all was trying to build up our relationship with them.

From that point on our own personal growth began. This initial growth, helped to direct us towards different directions in life, according to the way we did handle those early growth experiences.

I have spoken before about how our ego and pride plays part in our relationships. This time, we will look at another area that can really hit us hard when we are in a relationship, and that is fear and selflessness.

What is fear? Fear can be defined in many different ways, but we will look at fear in a relationship as our concern today.

Fear, is defined by two different aspects of our relationships. As I see it today, it is the fear of commitment and the fear of the other person in a relationship. Fear of commitment in a relationship can happen to the best of us when we have had one, or several, tough relationships or tough times growing up in this lifetime. That can help to keep that fear alive.
Why do we keep carrying around that fear? Very simple - many times we don’t know any better, and other times we are just afraid to be vulnerable, or to allow ourselves to open up. That fear can only bring unhappiness in the end.

Fear of the other person in the relationship is just as tough as that first fear but we need, and it is very important, to be honest with ourselves and to ask the question “Why are we afraid of our partner?” Why have we allowed ourselves to be stuck in that relationship for so long? What is it that created this fear in us? Why have we allowed it to go that far in the first place? Asking that, and many other good questions that need to be addressed until we click in with the answer. Do not disqualify any answer because that is what most of us do in the first place. Our intuition seems to be the last thing we trust. Just learn to trust that inner voice of yours. Fear can only be resolved by building up our own self-confidence. Your partner, in this case, probably knows that you fear him or her and may take advantage of this!

From my angle, I see again that fear lies in the way that we grew up and what we really need to look at is our own level of self-confidence. Sometimes we have been abused as a child and our self-esteem is tarnished. I wrote on these subjects before, but what we need to tackle now is on how we have chosen to build up our self-confidence and self-esteem. This is a very important start.

To be able to accomplish this you need to go back to whatever age you were when that problem started to occur. Look at it as if you were seeing yourself, and your life, as a movie in front of you. Write down everything you see, and start to listen to the way you talk today. Is there a common pattern? You should see something reoccurring over time and even in how you experience your relationships today. You will probably see that those patterns are still there, as if it were the first time it happened some ten, fifteen or twenty years ago. It is great if you can identify these patterns in your life that keep repeating, in a progressive way, time after time, or from one relationship to another. Then you will know from where you will need to begin, and fix what you have identified as needing fixing. Many times we say “but I can’t see it yet”. After time has passed, read all of the writing that you did earlier as a child growing up. Reading it later may help you to see the patterns, I guarantee that! BUT, there is one thing that you might or might not see throughout the years, and that is the negative attitude you may have about yourself, and your life, and that has to change too. If you master your attitude, then you are almost guaranteed that over eighty percent of your problem is solved. Think about it for a moment please…

I learned from my own healing and working with my guides, and healing doctors, that there is no cure until it is handled at the root of the problem. Not just by the symptoms of today’s problems, or else nothing (or a very little amount) will change. New problems will surface later on because the understanding of the early stage of the problem hasn’t been identified and this may prevent us from being provided with the answer to a happier existence. It really does not matter why things happened in the first place, as long as we learn to accept our unfortunate situation. Forgive, bless it, and let it go. It won’t take a lifetime for things to change in your life from that point on. That’s from my own personal experiences.

Sometimes, this process is very hard and painful to go through. Your old life experiences, and your energy level, might go to the bottom, but not as long as you know why you are doing it in the first place. It’s not a long process but two important factors are required YOU being involved in the first place. It is your life after all, and your own personal responsibility. Without those two ingredients we will keep running in a circle.

As you see when you properly handle the first stage of the problem, all of the symptoms or hurdles will fall and disappear instantly without even realizing it, because it is no longer important to your mind, heart and soul. It has been solved!

After all, the worse thing any Soul has to endure is living in fear, all of their life, especially while next to their partner, and the people who they love.

Enjoy your relationships with the people you love, and cherish it for all that it’s worth, because life is worth living and it should be in harmony.

Copyright © Joseph Ghabi
http://www.freespiritcentre.info

Domestic Violence - Ask Agony Aunt - updated

by: Agony Aunt

Dear Agony Aunt

My partner abuses me mentally and physically - what should I do?

Agony Aunt Says:

Ask a dozen people and each one of them will give you as many opinions. Remember, they are opinions. Ultimately, you have to make a choice - it's your life.

Even full time professionals get it wrong from time to time because they often focus on what they are taught. They go through the "processes" and on occasions they forget that each case is unique; they forget they are dealing with real people. Fortunately, such mistakes are rare.

What would I do if I were placed in a situation that you describe?
***

I would immediately ensure my personal safety.

If I face any immediate danger, I would call the authorities. Otherwise, I would move away from the threat and seek help from a lawyer. If necessary, the lawyer would take appropriate steps to stop the threats and the violence.

Of course, by consulting a lawyer, I know that I may be putting my relationship on the line as my partner may react adversely to this. But then the choice is between putting the relationship at risk or my personal and emotional well being.

Refuse to live in fear.

I take the view that mental and or physical violence is not acceptable - I have a zero tolerance for it.

A relationship only works properly when the parties respect human dignity.

If my partner doesn't respect me and uses violence, I would put my foot down on the very first occasion and say that if it happens once more, that will be the end of the relationship. If it happens a second time, I would end the relationship.

Violence doesn't have any place in a truly loving relationship.

Here's another important tip: most offenders carry on because victims keeps quiet.

Bring the violence out in the open - and your partner may change. If not, don't put up with it - you can do far better with your life; don't waste it behind violent creatures.

*** Important disclaimer: I simply offer my "opinion"
so you may compare it with help available via your local professionals. You should always seek local professional help and advice before taking any action.

====================
Resources and References:
Copyright 2005 by Agony Aunt at http://www.AffectionatePersonals.com / http://www.AskProfessors.com / Article Syndication by http://www.InternetPressOffice.com / Writing and Editing by Freelance Writers / Freelance Ghostwriters / Web Content Writers at
http://www.CorporateWriters.com
All Rights Reserved.

Don't Ignore the Signs: How Emotional Infidelity Can Ruin Your Relationship

by: Keishia Lee Louis

Emotional infidelity can start with a simple hi or a wink. It begins in a boardroom or a chatroom. One spouse says, "What's the problem? We're only friends."

The other spouse can't believe the reassurances. So the jealousy builds and a wedge is driven between partners. Sometimes nothing really is going on, and sometimes an affair is in progress. It's only a matter of time.

So how can you tell if your spouse is a potential cheater? How can you stop a relationship from becoming romantic outside of your marriage? Here are five topics to think about before determining if your marriage is in the danger zone.

1. Secrecy: Do you feel as though your partner could be telling you more about his or her new friend? Or do you hide the details of your platonic relationship from your spouse? If so, why? It's best not to keep secrets from your partner, even if you think he or she will be hurt, angry or jealous. If you want a successful relationship, trust and honesty is the one factor for marriage that should not be compromised.

2. Displaced Trust: Is information that should only be shared between husband and a wife, shared outside of the relationship? Topics like sexual intimacy, irreconcilable differences, personal finances, and detailed accounts of your partner's shortcomings are best left within the constructs of your marriage relationship.

3. Comparing: Does your spouse compare you to friend(s) of the opposite sex often? Or do YOU feel as though your spouse could improve in the areas that your special friend excels? Comparing once or twice may not be a problem, but habitual comparison is a warning sign.

4. Time Management: What type of time do you spend together as a married couple? Is it mainly dutiful, like paying bills or going to conferences for the kids? Or do you actually date-- one-on-one, no kids, family or friends around? If not, and you find yourself, or your partner, engaged in date like activities outside of your relationship, stop it. Either invite your spouse or don't do it anymore. Coffee talk can turn to pillow talk in the blink of an eye.

5. Attraction: Do you feel as though your spouse like the way his/her special friend looks? Are you attracted to the way your friend looks or the way he/she does something? If so, address this issue with your partner and then try to refocus your attention on each other, rather than the outside party.

If three to five of these topics need to be addressed in your marriage, I urge you to get professional help either from your religious leader or from a professional counselor.

Keishia Lee-Louis is the Editor and Publisher of http://www.Married4Good.com (launching November 2005). Her work has appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in numerous other printed publications.

Currently, she lives with her husband, daughter and son and is writing a book on marriage and relationships which will be published Spring 2006.

Be Glad That There’s Quarrel in Your Relationship

by: Rick Valens

Is your love relationship smooth? Have the both of you actually quarreled before? If your answer is yes, then you should be happy and be glad that it happened. But if your answer is however a no, then you should be aware of the danger that you are facing. Hmm… did I make things sound a bit too scary? Ha, it is not exactly that serious; don’t be scared off by me. Well, I should believe that the both of you are just, still in the sweet honeymoon period of your relationship.

In life, we encountered a lot of up and downs. But it is nevertheless, through all these problems and obstacles that we learn to stand up on our feet times and times again despite the falls we had, that made us what we are today. If life were to be so smooth for us, we wouldn’t have grown and learn to truly appreciate it. The same goes for love; if a relationship is ever so sweet and smooth, we wouldn’t have learn to really appreciate and cherish the love that is between ourselves and our love. It is through the overcoming of all those quarrels and problems, surviving them through together that we truly know that we deeply cherish the love that is between both, strengthening the relationship more than ever.

Be glad that there is quarrel between both. It actually means that the both have developed another step further in your relationship. It is only when one is closer to you that a quarrel will then actually happen. I don’t suppose you will pick up a quarrel with your partner whom you just started dating? You be just trying all out to please him or her instead, wouldn’t you?

But do however treat each and every quarrel seriously, especially when the both of you have just started. This is the time for you and your partner to further understand each other more deeply, the time for you to reflect on yourself and honestly think about the relationship. This is the time for the relationship to be tested. A test of your love for one another; whether this relationship is strong enough to withstand any thunderstorm there may be. Well, a survival never fails to further strengthen the relationship, truly cherishing each other ever more.

Avoid unnecessary reasoning at the point of a quarrel. Most of the times it will only make things worse, wait till both have cooled down. At the end of the day, always make an effort to find out what actually went wrong. Is it your fault? Talk to each other nicely, share your unhappiness; let your partner know how you felt. A softer tone is always more calming and pleasing to the ears. Your partner will usually be willing to listen and to share his or her feelings with you too. Sometimes it is out of too much care for one another that unwillingly trigger off a quarrel between both?

Remember, nobody wanted any quarrel. If you are at fault, please don’t be a stubborn donkey, you jolly well apologize and seek for your partner’s forgiveness. A word of sorry isn’t really that hard to say out? There is nothing ashamed to feel of, especially when with your love? Admit your fault, a sincere apology would always be pleasing to the ears; most of the time, harmony it will bring. Nonetheless, if your partner were to apologize to you, you graciously accept it. Why start another quarrel when you could end it? Well, there shouldn’t be any overnight grudges between couples.

Give each other a good hug. “I love you dear, I am really so sorry to have hurt you, please forgive me…” Now isn’t that such a sweet ending? It is usually through so that you understand each other better, cherishing each other even dearly. Remember, love is a two-way communication. It takes two happy persons, a happy you and your love to complete the equation.

Rick Valens
Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com ,
Love Relationship Discussion Forum

5 Tips For Successful Relationships

by: Kathy Thompson

Feel free to print/reprint this article in its entirety
in your ezine or website as long as you leave all the
links in place. Don't modify the content and include the
resource box as listed. Please send a note when it is used.
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word count: 365
character width: 60

Title: "5 Tips For Successful Relationships"

- by Kathy Thompson
writing4u@faceuptoit-youcan.com

(c) Kathy Thompson - All Rights Reserved
www.faceuptoit-youcan.com

"5 Tips For Successful Relationships!"

"Love conquers all, right?" Well----it's suppose to.
But most marriages will end in divorce. Most of their
problems are about the children, money, or in-laws.
When couples commit to a long relationship, there are
specific personality traits they should have in common.
1. Similiar physical texture (thick skinned/thin skinned)
2. Similiar emotional stability
3. Similiar degree of tolerance
4. Similiar intelligence/understanding of situations
5. Similar Interests

Without these five traits, the couple live on difference
planes, different worlds. They are inclined to drift
apart.

Couples grow by adjusting to their differences, but some
times, the amount of the difference may be too much.

Love provides the reason for being willing to adjust to
the other person's difference from yours.

A frequent question is; "How do I know it's real love?"
The answer may be that when you are enjoying something
special - ex: a movie, a sunset, flower, song, and you
long to have your partner to share it with. The
degree of longing will determine how much in love you are.

Growth in a relationship should come from; doing things
together, allowing things to happen, accepting them as
is, and changing what you can. It involves sharing and
caring.

Couples usually don't mind working at their relationship
as long as they have a closeness to each other. They
don't want divorce, they want understanding. Divorce is
usually a rebellion at not being able to get through to
each other. The couple are still in love, that's why it
hurts so much to part.

There is a story of a couple who had been engaged for
seven years. The young lady didn't have the courage to
commit. They had their personalities profiled and
learned to adjust to each other's personalities. They
understood each other as individuals and their relationship
flourished.

To perfect your relationships "Secrets For A Happier Love
Life" is now available to help you. Get your FREE e-course
at; http://www.faceuptoit-youcan.com/ssale.html
Contact Kathy at; success4u@faceuptoit-youcan.com

Learn To Listen - 3 Ways It Benefits Relationships

by: Cori Sachais Swidorsky

We always hear about communication being the key in a relationship. If we are always talking and not listening, then communication becomes meaningless.

It’s not easy to hear what someone else is saying, especially when our feelings, thoughts and opinions are different. Here are three reasons why learning to listen benefits our relationships.

Shows Respect – When having a discussion, listening to the other person shows that you respect what they are saying. Even if we disagree with what’s being said, we still need to respect their thoughts and feelings.
Helps Us To Understand – It’s difficult to understand what someone is trying to tell us if we aren’t listening. Listening helps to understand why someone is feeling a certain way. Once we understand, we can move forward with the situation and take the steps needed.
Helps To Be Approachable – In relationships, it’s important for someone to feel they can to talk to us about anything. Learning to listen can help others feel comfortable approaching us any time they need or want to discuss something. We are likely to have a more open and healthy relationship if we are approachable.
We want others to respect, understand and be approachable to us right? Work on learning to listen and watch your relationship grow in positive ways

Authors Bio

Reside in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Work at home mom/stay at home mom. Owner of the Informing Women Newsletter and website http://www.informingwomen.com Write an advice column for a community newsletter, have an inspirational piece being published in Chicken Soup For The Recovering Soul, and have articles published on many work at home, home based business, tips and hints, and parenting websites.

How To Focus On The Positive Qualities Of Your Relationship

by: Sonia Devine

Copyright 2005 Sonia Devine

The quality of your life has a strong connection with how healthy your relationship with other people is. Do you struggle to make other people see things your way? Well stop trying, because you can’t manipulate others. Why? Well, just like you, they are operating from their own map of the world. What you CAN do is develop a habit of paying attention to the positive aspects of your relationship.

If you are distressed by your relationships, then you need to change the way in which you react to the behaviour of others. If you hold a belief that you will only be happy when the other person changes, it’s time to get real, because:

*** The Buck Stops With You. ***

Think about someone in your life; Are you paying attention to the qualities you think that person is lacking? For example, maybe you think: “If only he was tidier, more attentive to me, more loving, etc…”? Whatever you put your attention on expands. If you only notice the things that annoy you about others, or if you focus on what you think they are not doing right, then you will only experience more of the behaviour that you are trying to avoid!

Try this exercise:

Think about this specific person, and write down the qualities you admire in them. Take the time to remember what drew you to them in the first place. Maybe they are great at making you laugh…they could be a good listener, or have a talent for organising things and events. Whatever you like about this person, write it onto a list! And then look at this list every day.

By doing this, you shift your subconscious attention onto the positive aspects of the relationship and you will start to experience even more of these qualities that you like! Your relationship will improve and the other person will start to become more loving, open and receptive towards you as well.

What About Those Things You Don't Like?

Okay, then. What really annoys you about others? Do you get upset by arrogant people? Or maybe people who cannot be assertive really make your blood boil. Whatever it is that bothers you, you must understand this:

We criticize in others the very qualities that we dislike most about ourselves

We are all connected to a Universal consciousness. When you look at another person, you are also looking at a version of yourself. Learn to see yourself in the reflection of others, and you will become more tolerant of what you see as their negative qualities. And remember, other people, are always a mirror to you.

If you want a great relationship, you need to pay attention to the way you react to people. And most importantly, treat others as you would like to be treated. You have the ability to create a happy, fulfilling relationship, and if you learn to see yourself in others, you will find yourself becoming more and more open to experiencing the good qualities those people.

------

Sonia Devine is a qualified professional hypnotherapist and success coach with a caring and committed approach to healing, who lives in Melbourne, Australia. You can find more of her information on ego, self image, love, relationships, phobias and much more on her website
http://www.manifest-your-success.com

Do You Love Yourself?

by: Rick Valens

Always feeling insecurity over your love relationship? So much so to the extent of even feeling suspicious, doubting your partner’s love for you? Well though it might not exactly always be your fault but still I must say, this is the beginning of a very unhealthy relationship. In the long run, it might even lead to an end of the relationship.

I should believe that you are having such thoughts because you really cherish this relationship? But well, perhaps cherishing it just a bit too much? Think about it, how would you feel if things were the other way round? Would you like it if your partner were to doubt your love for them instead? Always calling on you to find out where you are, whom you are with, what you are doing? Believe me, nobody like that. It is only negative and more negative feedbacks that I have got from friends that are having such encounters.
Some, who simply cannot stand it, initiated a break off.

Remember, trust between partners is one of the key criteria to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Without it, an ever-lasting relationship would never be possible.

But first of all, before we can built up this mutual trust, that is one very important thing you must achieve and that is, to trust yourself! If you don’t even trust yourself, how can you expect others, your very love to trust you? To have faith in the relationship?

You must believe in yourself, believing that there is this very special you within yourself. A very special you that make you well liked by friends and family, which of course also include your very love, loving this very special and unique you.

Everybody is unique in his or her very own way. That can only be one you and no more else in this world. Your friends and family like you for who you are. Your love, loves you for who you are. So when everyone genuine likes you, how can you yourself, don’t like yourself as who you are? Doubting your very own self? I don’t suppose you wanna lose your friends and that special someone whom you truly love?

Look into the mirror today and tell yourself, “You are great! I love you!” Yes, when you love yourself, you will naturally have this feel of confidence bringing out that very radiance in you. When you yourself are happy, others will naturally feel happy when being with you.

Remember, love is always a two-way communication. It takes two, a happy you and a happy him or her to complete the equation.

©2005 www.loveletterbox.com

Rick Valens
Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com , Love Relationship Discussion Forum

Currently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org,
Monument of Eternal Memory

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

by: Rachelle Arlin Credo

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm currently living one. You watch other couples walk down the street hand-in-hand, kissing, etc., everyday and you can't do anything but envy them. So how can a long distance relationship work? How can you keep on loving someone if you can't even see them?

The answer is...it depends on how much you want it to work. True love can overcome any odds thrown in its path if you want it bad enough. So the question is, how do you do it? Well, I do not think that anyone knows exactly how to make it work, but I can certainly provide some points on making it work.

1. COMMUNICATION is the key.

In every relationship, whether near or far, if communication is taken for granted, it can cause the relationship to quiver until it eventually dies a natural death. That's why in any given circumstance, communication has to be given utmost importance. There are so many available media to ensure that the communication stays open. From snail mails and phone calls to chat systems and e-mails or e-cards. These media can be effective means to convey your hearts desires to your loved ones. Let them know about what you've been doing and thinking because in that way they will feel like they are there with you. This will also help you feel close even though you are miles apart.

2. Send off CARE PACKAGES.

It can be anything -- a little gift of flowers; a collection of the letters he has sent you designed artistically into a scrapbook; or your sweetheart's favorite jewelry -- it's really only limited to your imagination. Engaging yourself in this way is beneficial for both of you. You get to concentrate on gathering these items and putting them together, thus keeping your mind off not being together to a certain extent. Your loved one will see how much effort you put into it and how much you care. Even if it is nothing more than a card,it shows they mean enough to you that you can take the time to let them know. It never takes much money to show a little love with a small gift. Trust me, it can melt a heart!

3. Keep yourself BUSY.

You couldn't just sit there and wait 'til he comes back to you. What if he doesn't come back at all and all you did was sit and get your tummy flabby, won't that make you just miserable? You won't just be stunting your growth as an individual in the process but you'd also be developing emotional insecurities. In order to avoid that, you have to focus yourself on other things while waiting. Try to identify your passions. Get in touch with your creative nature. If you are a homebody, you can read tons of books which can help you grow intellectually and emotionally or you can choose to lounge before your computer and surf for hours to learn invaluable things over the internet. It's an endless "ways-to-make-yourself-busy" list and it is up to you to decide whichever you're interested to get involved in. But remember, being "busy" is not an excuse to forget your "special days" and worse yet, your loved one. You're doing it not just to occupy yourself but also to allow yourself to grow even with your lover's absence.

4. HONESTY is the best policy.

The path to true intimacy and connection especially in a long distance relationship is through "total honesty" to each other in the fullest sense of the words. By being authentic and telling your full truth to your loved one about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, etc., you are gradually building up a zone of confidence and comfort for both of you. This is very essential if you want your relationship to really last. Seeking to avoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work for a while but it won't take much time until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways, such as withdrawal, resentment, "acting out," etc. I know, sometimes, telling your whole truth can be difficult and even scary, but it will result in the kind of relationship that you really want-- a relationship where all the cards are laid in the table.

5. The value of TRUST

Trust is a very fundamental aspect in any relationship. That is because having trust in a relationship takes away doubt. When you trust someone you never have to question their motivation about anything and with mutual trust that relationship is solid. You must learn to be true to the relationship and must never give way to insecurities, strange feelings, suspicions and quick impulses because these will only bring your relationship down. Don't push away negative comments, or advice. Just trust in yourself and your partner. If you two are true to each other and have no hidden motives then you'll be alright. Remember "Love never fails."

6. COMMITMENT is a habit not an achievement

In every relationship, it is a must to be able to learn how to commit and be committed. For most long distance relationships, the very reason why they fail is because both parties couldn't go on with the commitment and they feel too weak to withstand the tribulations of time.If you have committed yourselves to each other without shilly-shallying, then you have a good promise ahead of you.Your comitment to each other will keep the passion alive and the fires burning thus sustaining the growth of the relationship.

7. PATIENCE is a virtue.

Being in a long distance relationship requires being steadfast and persevering. If you aren't this kind of person and you're involved in a long distance relationship, then as much as now, you better try to learn to be patient. Focus your attention on all the positive aspects of the relationship and never give your hopes up. Showing that you value your partner and the relationship and that you are willing to work patiently through it will let them know you truly love them.

8. WEBCAM

This is applicable only for those who have the comfort of having their own personal computers at home.But for those who don't, there are computers-for-rent in cafe's with webcams already attached to the computer system. Having a webcam is actually very fun and exciting. Even if you aren't together but looking at each other's face in the broad screen makes you feel like you're just so close, so near to your loved one. My boyfriend and I use Yahoo messenger to express our emotions with smileys and it's melting my heart to see him smile in the cam when he gets my messages.

9. Make special occasions SPECIAL.

It is not everyday that a special day comes so when it does, it must be celebrated no matter how far apart you are. When I speak of special occasions, I mean birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year and Valentine's Day. During these occasions, you can plan out some heavy-duty phone call or an extended online time for the evening. Regardless of whether you talk every night or a couple times a week, be sure you both carve out some time for that particular night. If you're too stingy to settle on a lengthy phone call, but have cheap and unlimited online access, plan to send instant messages to each other or meet in a private chatroom somewhere. If you can't be together, at least you can be "talking" and "spending some private moments together".

10. ENJOY LIFE!

Not because your loved one is away, it doesn't mean that your "life" is taken away with him as he sets on for greener pastures. You have your own life to live and you must live it up to the purpose you were created for, with or without your loved one.Anyway, we have our family and friends. What are these social beings surrounding us created for anyway?

Remember,there are definite hardships associated with this relationship style but it is important that those who thrive in a long distance relationship see the suffering, difficulties, distance and time as tools in cultivating their love and rearing up the maturity in their relationship. The best you can do is to strive to be the best of who you are as a person while your partner is away so that when he comes back to you, you are already a full-grown individual whom he will love even more and be more proud of more than ever! For now, just be happy in knowing that across the miles there is someone who thinks you are so special, they are willing to engage in a terrible thing such as a long distance relationship. Keep in mind that your suffering is not forever since your loved one will be back soon and when that time comes, everything will be much sweeter than it was back then.

Rachelle Arlin Credo is an entrepreneur and relationship coach. She also works as an image consultant and part-time writer. Her stories, articles, essays and poetry have been published in various magazines and online publications.

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Saturday, November 11, 2006

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